Pursuit of God

This week I began reading A.W. Tozer’s Pursuit of God. Written in the 1940’s and esteemed as a Christian classic, I was sure I wouldn’t really like it all that much. I am pleased to report that thus far I am completely wrong!

My Kindle tells me I am only 21% of the way through the book, but already I can tell why this is held in such high regard. And it’s so very relevant to life in 2011. The language used by Tozer is quite provocative and evokes such emotion that it makes me not want to just read the text, but to READ it. To say/hear it out loud with as much emphasis as I put on it in my head. It’s really cool. In case you can’t tell…I would definitely recommend it.

Here’s a snippet of the book that I read this morning. You can certainly see how this applies to my life right now as I prepare to leave for China in three days! I have used the verbiage of wanting to “cling” to my family so they won’t leave me…not so crazy sounding. But I think they may have a bit more of a hold on me than they should…a spot that needs to belongs to my Creator.

“There can be no doubt that this possessive clinging to things is one of the most harmful habits in the life. Because it is so natural it is rarely recognized for the evil that it is; but its outworkings are tragic.

We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety; this is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him, and nothing is really safe which is not so committed.”

It’s what I’ve been saying over and over to myself and in my Bible reading…and here’s even more confirmation. This word definitely spoke right to my heart today. Thanks God!

On The Edge

For the last couple weeks, it seems that every time I close my eyes I am bombarded with terrible, tragic ideas and feelings. One of the most common is that my entire family is taken out by some drunk driver. The overwhelming feelings of great loss and the ripping apart of oneself seem to overtake me. The despair and loneliness seems so great that it will crush me. Seriously…it freaks me out.

I’m generally not so morbid or overwrought with these types of emotions. Really. But I have this amazing opportunity coming up. In a week and a half I get to go to China as a volunteer English teacher. No joke. Just me...well, and like 20 other people – some of which I’m sure will go from acquaintance to friend over those two weeks.

Did I mention the time? Two weeks. 14 days. For half a month I will be away from the people I cling to the most. These are the people who define so much of who I am. Without them I wouldn’t be “Clayton’s wife” or “Braeden & Callie’s mom.”

And for two weeks they will be completely out of my control.

So I have to trust. I have to or I'll go crazy. I have to trust that the people who will be watching my kids will take care of them and love them and reassure them that their mom hasn’t abandoned them. That they will eat properly and get enough to drink and enough rest and take their vitamins. That if they do get sick, someone will be able to take care of them and will do a good job at it. I have to trust other people to drive them around…in traffic sometimes.

Ultimately, I have to trust this great God that I love so much. And if I’m at all honest about my feelings on this part, I’m struggling. Not like I’m-going-to-cancel-my-trip struggling…but the kind that just doesn’t know if I believe that I can really trust him with these people. Does that make sense? I know I can…but I have to prove it out I guess…and I will in 9 days.

It feels like I’m on the edge of a cliff about to jump and just let it ride…see what happens. And I know this trip has the potential to be life changing…and it probably will. But all the “what ifs” are driving me crazy.

I know when I get on the plane to fly over the top of the world, I’ll be okay. Teaching the classes of some 13-15 year old students, I will be right at home. Experiencing a different culture will be exhilarating. I will love all aspects...even the hard ones. I've done this kind of thing before...just never with a family at home. I’m looking forward to it all. I can’t wait to make new friends either. Plus it's teaching conversational English...anyone who knows me also knows that I can talk a lot of English. So I'm even qualified! :)

So I’m going to do it…I am doing it. I trust my God – the same God who loves each one of my family members more than I do – to take care of them…to be in control. He’s always better at the control thing than I am anyway. Why would that change when I go further away?

I’m about to burst with excitement and anticipation though!

Oh, and to everyone who is helping with the kids and the stuff here…THANK YOU!!! I really, really do trust you completely! And Clayton – you are the best! Thank you for this opportunity! I love you!!