Measured Success

I haven't been feeling very well this week...and I've been missing my brother a lot...which makes me a little extra melancholy. So I decided to do something more positive. I was looking through the goals I had for this blog when I first started this happy mom thing...and so far I think I'm kind of okay...here are the results.

1. "I would like to go (or have plans to go) on a family missions trip...for me this could count as a vacation too."  Well, it's not a family trip - but I am going to China this summer to teach ESL. Just me (and 25 other people). That will be awesome! Can't wait! I have literally wanted to go there ever since I was 6 years old. 
2. "By this time next year, I would like to have lost a significant amount of weight." Ummm...not yet. But I have lost about 30lbs...so that's a start - at least in the right direction. And I have big plans. We'll see how it goes.
3. This is the big one..."by this time next year, I'd like to find out what it means to be happy and what it is that I really enjoy or am passionate about." I do believe I'm doing well here. I have a much better grasp on this!!! Growing more...but this is so exciting! I'm so happy to be rediscovering old passions and finding new ones along the way!

So all in all I think I'm doing pretty good. Now I need to come up with some new goals. I'll work on that.

What do you do when you're feeling a little down? Do you have a strategy to help stay more positive?

One Big, Happy Family!

I have always wanted to be part of a big, happy family. Lots of huge family celebrations for just about everything. Renting a cabin in the woods for all the kids and grandkids, with everyone coming together to play games, cook meals, and maybe even a talent show. And an overwhelming sense of belonging and unconditional love. Aaahhhh!

But that’s not the hand I’ve been dealt. Truth is – numerically speaking – I don’t have much of a family at all. My mom is the only living relative I have that I know – besides my hubby and kids. That’s it. My brother died 9 years ago this month, my dad – who wasn’t really a great guy, but that’s another story - died a couple years ago, and I don’t really know my extended family.

Sometimes this reality gets a little sad for me. Like right now with Easter coming up. I think it would be absolutely wonderful to be part of a big family brunch or something like that…cousins hiding eggs and all the adults talking and laughing together. Knowing that I really belong here...that I fit right there no matter what. Holidays just kind of reinforce this absence. And if I let it, this overwhelming sense of loneliness can lead to a pretty good pity party.

It is only by the grace of God that I don’t end up hanging out in pity-partyville very often. I have been blessed with an amazing church body. And I’m not just referring to the people I literally go to church with…I’m also talking about the rest of the body that I am privileged to interact with on a daily basis – friends from MOPS, preschool families, old friends from around the world. I love the picture illustrated in 1 Cor 12 about the body of Christ. I’m not sure what part of the body I am, but I’m so happy to be part of something bigger than myself!

While I appreciate my church family so very much, reality is that I do still find myself painfully aware of the healthy, nurturing family I missed out/am missing out on. So what do I do with that?

Ecclesiastes says that God has put eternity in our hearts. There’s a part of each of us that knows that there’s more than this. I think this pain that I feel from the loneliness or whatever you call it is just that...it’s a piece of that eternity that Christ etched in my heart…the part that is still knows there has to be more than this. The yearning for more.

There's hope! So much hope! Revelation 19 is the beautiful picture of the glorious wedding feast! There will be a party with the greatest love story and a forever family and celebration forever glorifying God. Complete with the truth of really belonging and true unconditional love that I will feel there! Chokes me up…kind of makes my stomach lurch into my throat in anticipation.

And I won’t be on the outside looking in anymore! How truly thrilling!

Do you notice people on the outside looking in?

I Am Free to Be Me...For Real???

I think I'm finally "getting" some stuff about being married - things that didn't make a lick of sense to me before! When Clayton and I first moved to KC and started going to our church we had been married for less than a year. I had a lot of expectations for us and our church experience.

Right off I'll let you know I did not grow up in a church-going family. We were sporadic at best...usually didn't even make it on the big holidays. I started going when I was in high school. I did not have an example of what it would look like to have two growing Christians married to each other and doing ministry...which left me wide open to develop my own ridiculously high expectations.

In my picture perfect world, we were to be passionate and involved in the exact same ministries in the exact same ways. All of our church interests should be exactly the same. Makes sense right? I mean we aren't we identical in all ways???? HA!

Clayton would say that it was okay for me to like doing different things than he does. This was hard for me. He is super passionate about sports ministry. I'm just not. I get it...but I'm not way excited by it. I love to be with people. I want to meet people and visit with them and know their stories and get to know them. I love it! He likes people too...who play sports. :-P

So I have spent seven years trying to like the same things he does - just as much as he does - because that's what I'm supposed to do. I have wanted to do the coaching stuff with him or something...which is waaaay hard to do when I have two little ones to chase after. But this has amounted to me being frustrated, useless, and unfulfilled.

I have tried making him do things I really like - like trying to do student ministry with high school age kids. I loved it. He did not...not so much. He does like little people - so we do children's ministry together. He likes that. I do not...I love the kids...but this ministry does not fill me up or anything...it drains me.

In my ridiculously high expectations of us, I have felt like a failure. A failure as a "good" Christian, church-going mom. I don't love doing the stuff my husband does. I don't even like doing nursery duty. I mean what kind of good mom doesn't just love holding babies and playing with 4 year olds for 3 hours??? Answer: ME!

This week I had an awakening. I realized that we can still be involved in ministry together and not always be together. This means he can be passionate about sports ministry and pursue it and I can support him, but I don't have to be all "into" it. This also means I am free to be passionate about women's ministry and I can love it and do it and he'll support me and go to my stuff, but he's not all "into" it. This would work...this is okay...not a bad thing!

I told Clayton about this realization. His response: "I've been saying that all along." LOL! Wow! Talk about thick-headed! I may be a bit of an idealist...but I'm really liking this understanding reality thing! And learning what I'm passionate about helps too. :-D

Here We Go...Again

When I began this blog in Jan 2010, I was at a really low point in my life. I was struggling to find purpose, meaning, and joy in all the areas of my life. An overwhelming sense of depression, hopelessness, and isolation had become my reality.

During that cold winter, I was alone a lot. I had a 4 mo. old baby girl, 4 yr. old boy, and a husband who was fabulous but was traveling for work every week. I don’t believe people were meant to be alone really – we’re designed for community…but I am an especially-not-her kind of case. (That’s not saying that you can’t make traveling work…totally can…but we weren’t doing it very well).

Our marriage was stalling out and not thriving at this point. We tried to figure out what our interests were and what we might be able to do together. To get to know each other again. Know what I found out? He was exactly the same man I had married six years earlier. I on the other hand, had no clue what I was interested in. My life had changed. I had changed. I didn’t know who I was anymore. But I did know I wasn’t happy.

So I decided to find the happy mom lurking inside of me. This benefits everyone, right? What sane person would rather be miserable than happy? Do any children wish their mom had laughed less? Are there husbands who prefer to come home to angry, bitter wives? Not in my family!

It’s been over a year since I wrote anything on here. And now I think I’m ready. I never shared any of this before…but I think I will this time. I have left a few of my early entries on here, just for reference and for me to see how far I’ve come…to see what God has really done in my life. As I’ve been reflecting on where I’ve been, I find it just staggering to see the difference! God has really answered so many of my cries during that time in my life. And He’s still doing it.

Today I am a much happier mom now than I was then. I’m a better mom and wife (sooooo not perfect though). I feel more whole as a woman and as a child of the King. And I have hope! That’s a big deal! So I’ll write some stuff…maybe someone will read it and find some help, comfort, community in it (or just enough train wreck to make it worth reading). Maybe no one will and I’ll have a great journal to look through at this time next year. Either way works for me!