I have always wanted to be part of a big, happy family. Lots of huge family celebrations for just about everything. Renting a cabin in the woods for all the kids and grandkids, with everyone coming together to play games, cook meals, and maybe even a talent show. And an overwhelming sense of belonging and unconditional love. Aaahhhh!
But that’s not the hand I’ve been dealt. Truth is – numerically speaking – I don’t have much of a family at all. My mom is the only living relative I have that I know – besides my hubby and kids. That’s it. My brother died 9 years ago this month, my dad – who wasn’t really a great guy, but that’s another story - died a couple years ago, and I don’t really know my extended family.
Sometimes this reality gets a little sad for me. Like right now with Easter coming up. I think it would be absolutely wonderful to be part of a big family brunch or something like that…cousins hiding eggs and all the adults talking and laughing together. Knowing that I really belong here...that I fit right there no matter what. Holidays just kind of reinforce this absence. And if I let it, this overwhelming sense of loneliness can lead to a pretty good pity party.
It is only by the grace of God that I don’t end up hanging out in pity-partyville very often. I have been blessed with an amazing church body. And I’m not just referring to the people I literally go to church with…I’m also talking about the rest of the body that I am privileged to interact with on a daily basis – friends from MOPS, preschool families, old friends from around the world. I love the picture illustrated in 1 Cor 12 about the body of Christ. I’m not sure what part of the body I am, but I’m so happy to be part of something bigger than myself!
While I appreciate my church family so very much, reality is that I do still find myself painfully aware of the healthy, nurturing family I missed out/am missing out on. So what do I do with that?
Ecclesiastes says that God has put eternity in our hearts. There’s a part of each of us that knows that there’s more than this. I think this pain that I feel from the loneliness or whatever you call it is just that...it’s a piece of that eternity that Christ etched in my heart…the part that is still knows there has to be more than this. The yearning for more.
There's hope! So much hope! Revelation 19 is the beautiful picture of the glorious wedding feast! There will be a party with the greatest love story and a forever family and celebration forever glorifying God. Complete with the truth of really belonging and true unconditional love that I will feel there! Chokes me up…kind of makes my stomach lurch into my throat in anticipation.
And I won’t be on the outside looking in anymore! How truly thrilling!
Do you notice people on the outside looking in?
From my point of view you have a full-filled life with your husband and kids. The holidays you have with them can be all you've dreamed about and more....big feasts at thanksgiving and fun easter egg hunts, presents and happiness at Christmas. You have the right to make them what you want them to be. I only knew of everything with just my immediate family (mom,dad, sister and brother). I did not grow up with any extended family. I married a man with a VERY large family and always going to the grandparents house for every holiday. I find myself feeling smothered and lost at them. You are not lost and are right where you are supposed to be, creating your own traditions for gatherings whether with family or friends or all of the above. You didn't miss out on anything, but instead have been shown that you want to do things differently and can set them to be anything you want them to be. If one isn't quite right you do something different the next time.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder! You're very right. Upon further reflection, my last couple weeks have involved a lot of thinking and even talking about my brother. I miss him...so much. And with the anniversary of his death and the holiday so close, I guess it's heightened that...more than I've realized. I wish he could have been here to meet my kids...he would have been the most fun uncle!
ReplyDeleteBut you're right...I'm right where I am meant to be...and I can make my holidays whatever we want them to be...even if it's not a big - numerically - family. Thanks!