Mentor, Where Are You?

I've established that I definately don't have this whole wife/mother thing down. I'm kinda learning on the fly. Which we all do to some extent. Except, I don't have a very good foundation for this thing either. Not that I really "blame" my parents for this. They did the best they could...I'm sure of that. And their parents did the best they thought they could too...but all in all, none of it was really what God has laid out in the Bible...or what functioning, healthy families look like. I know I'm totally not the only one that has that kind of foundation. Too many people come from families where abuse (in all forms) and misconduct are prevalent. Too many of us know what it's like to be sitting here as a mom and wife and not really sure what the next piece of the puzzle is. Because I've never seen it...or if I did, I didn't have the rest of the context, so I wasn't sure where it fit. Titus 2:3-5 says...

The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

I'd like to have an aged woman to teach me this stuff. I think about it a lot. Our church has a ministry called woman to woman...and literally I've asked two women to do this with me...both said no (for various reasons) and I signed up for the ministry itself to let them match me with someone...but no one called me. What's up with me? Is this not something I can learn? Is there something wrong with me that no one wants to be my friend/mentor?

In high school I had a great mentor. Lenore discipled me before I even really knew what that meant. She met with me in the mornings...even when she was pregnant. I didn't understand how much she invested in me until I had my own kids. I love her dearly even though we've since lost contact. She changed my life. I want to be able to do this for someone else too.

So then my devotional today was also about how we need people in our lives to help to sharpen us. How as moms we need an older mom who's been there...and then mom's who are facing life and challenges at the same time. And of course our other friends. :)

I liked how she said that when she is left to herself, she becomes graceless, exhausted, and sullen...even resenting her children. I do that too. Left alone (like I feel I have been to a certain extent) I become uber needy, exhausted, cruel to myself, critical, and lonely. It's hard to keep loving my husband and children and keeping my home and everything when I get to that point. I'm so glad I have a big God...even when I'm lonely and so needy...I'm glad he can meet my needs. Now if I could just see how...like open my eyes or something.

Anyhow, that's it...

Doing Dishes

Upon occasion, I use a book called "Ordinary Mom, Extraordinary God," by Mary E. DeMuth. It's a good book...from the Hearts at Home ministry. Anyhow, today I was reading the one entitled "Time To Do The Dishes." It was based out of Matthew 23:25-26

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean."

She was talking about how this could be true. And it is. You can totally clean the outside of a mug without ever cleaning the inside. But if you clean the inside, you have to stick it in the sudsy water and then by default the outside is clean.

I know that a good portion of why I'm struggling with being a truly happy mom is because from the outside of my life, things look pretty good. But somehow I guess I've spent too much time cleaning that up, and ignoring the inside of the cup. And I get that. And I think I'm trying to "clean" the inside...trying to memorize scripture and truly believe it (although my heart is so unbelieving sometimes), reading my Bible most days, praying, holding my tongue when necessary, not giving in to my emotional craziness on a regular basis. And trying to adjust my focus from within.

But I still feel so empty sometimes. Or just not quite clean. Like you know when you use cheap soap on something really messed up...when it comes out it looks okay, but you run your finger over it and it's still kind of oily or something...it just isn't totally right. You know? I'm not sure what I'm missing.

And I don't know how much of this is something unresolved from my past (which my family was some piece of work...there's a lot to that)...or some sin I'm holding on to. I don't know how to do this thing. But I want to clean my "dish" inside...and have the outside look good just by default...not b/c that's my focus.

Things To Try

So in my search for the happy mom, I need to figure out who I am and what I enjoy. Find out where my passions lie. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Here are some things I think I'd like to try...maybe stuff I could really get in to. I have so many things I like...I just want to find what it is I really like that I can give all I can to...and it fits in with my lifestyle/circumstances right now. So here are some ideas...

1. Photography
2. Rock Climbing
3. Cooking (not always conducive to the whole lose weight thing)...but I'm pretty good at it
4. Cake decorating (I've taken a class...I really liked it)
5. Scrabooking...electronically
6. Writing
7. Fitness...I was going a lot until I had my last kiddo...she's not old enough for the childcare yet...I enjoy the classes (I like people)
8. Women's ministry or student ministry - but then this all depends on where my hubby's interests are and where he wants us. Which is really in sports ministry...but I'm not that good at it...and I've tried it, but everyone knows I'm not good so then I just kinda get left out or feel like I am.

There are lots of things I'd really love to do...but they don't fit in yet with my time in life. Sometimes I wish I knew how to make them fit...things I really like are

1. International Missions
2. Travelling
3. CASA - I'd like to be a volunteer Child Advocate...but I think this might have to wait until my kids go to school
4. Foster care - Clayton agrees, but we're waiting until our kids are a little older...at least a year or so.

I think it's hard with this things b/c I know I'd love them...but it's hard waiting. I know in the grand scheme of things, a couple years isn't that long. But the waiting is hard. And what do I do while I wait? I don't want to wait and then find out I have no energy or desire or something anymore...and besides it seems like when you wait, the waiting never ends. Intentions go unfulfilled.

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having a different past."

I read this today in my devotional "Ordinary Mom, Extraordinary God". It made me stop and think. I don't know that I think I really struggle with forgiveness. But do I struggle with wishing I had a different past? Oh yeah. Maybe that's a part of forgiveness I haven't figured out yet. I guess it's possible that in wishing I could rewrite my history, I haven't meted out complete and total forgiveness. I am praying that I would see the places I am holding onto unforgiveness...without even realizing it. It's obvious that if I'm really trying to find the happy mom in me, I will have to tackle this hurdle. Wow...God is already showing me stuff as I start this process. Pretty cool, huh?

I also read another part today that basically said that we need to live in the middle ground regarding lamenting and rejoicing. If we live in the pain of this world completely, we get bogged down and miss the good and the praiseworthy parts of this world. We miss rejoicing in the One who made us. But on the flip side, if we skim along the surface of life and rejoice constantly without ever allowing ourselves to experience the pain of this life, then we miss the opportunities to learn the lessons that Christ is trying to teach us. I would like to live in the middle there. Where I can use the pain of this life to learn the lessons that my God is trying to teach me, but still see clearly enough to find all that is worth rejoicing in. I never want to miss that.

Getting Started

This is my first blog entry...ever. Last night Clayton and I were talking about what three things we'd each like to do within the next year. Coming up with those three took me a bit...but then my list got longer. I think it could all be narrowed down to a few things...

1. I would like to go (or have plans to go) on a family missions trip...for me this could count as a vacation too.
2. By this time next year, I would like to have lost a significant amount of weight.
3. This is the big one...by this time next year, I'd like to find out what it means to be happy and what it is that I really enjoy or am passionate about.

#1 is something important to me...and to Clayton too. I've been on several missions trip and spent a chunk of time (6 mo.) in Haiti. I have always had a heart for missions. I want my kids to grow up aware of the world around them...and that what we have in our family is not the norm for most of the world. I want to try to battle the sense of entitlement that is so fostered in American children.

#2 is super challenging. There's a lot that goes with that. I've always (literally) been a big girl. Now two kids later, I am even more so. And it bothers me. So I'm working on this. I'm sure I'll be writing a lot about that. Although it is a big deal to me, I separated it from #3 because I really feel like I can't hang my happiness on that. I need these two to be separated to some degree in my life. Weight will always be a challenge for me...but that shouldn't keep me from being happy or passionate, right?

So, then on to #3...there seems to be a theme in my life right now. Our pastor has been going through the book of Ecclesiastes and talking about how the goal of it is to give us practical instruction for how to live our lives "under the sun." We can be happy and enjoy this life. I've also heard several times that the way to have a happy marraige is by having two happy people. I'm not sure why this is a struggle for me. I think there are several factors that have made it like this...but I guess I can't just stay this way and chalk it up to justified unhappiness. That just won't work. I don't want to be 60 years old wishing that I'd just gotten over crap in life and found out how to really enjoy my life.

And apparently I can be happy...even if my husband isn't. I don't want to be a whiny wife...super needy. I don't mean to be stupid in my thought...but I really don't understand how this is possible. I hope I figure it out soon. I'm praying I do.

Oh, one more clarification...I have a great life. I am fully aware of this. I am healthy (though extra large), I am married to a good man, I get to be a SAHM to my two kiddos (4 yrs. & 5 mo.), we live in a warm home, I am confident in my relationship with Christ and that I will spend eternity in Heaven. Now if you asked me what I like to do...I'm not sure how to answer that question. I like being a mom and all...but as far as hobbies, interests, passions...I'm not sure. I don't even know where to begin. So this year, I'd like to try some new things and see what I like. :-)