Doing Dishes

Upon occasion, I use a book called "Ordinary Mom, Extraordinary God," by Mary E. DeMuth. It's a good book...from the Hearts at Home ministry. Anyhow, today I was reading the one entitled "Time To Do The Dishes." It was based out of Matthew 23:25-26

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean."

She was talking about how this could be true. And it is. You can totally clean the outside of a mug without ever cleaning the inside. But if you clean the inside, you have to stick it in the sudsy water and then by default the outside is clean.

I know that a good portion of why I'm struggling with being a truly happy mom is because from the outside of my life, things look pretty good. But somehow I guess I've spent too much time cleaning that up, and ignoring the inside of the cup. And I get that. And I think I'm trying to "clean" the inside...trying to memorize scripture and truly believe it (although my heart is so unbelieving sometimes), reading my Bible most days, praying, holding my tongue when necessary, not giving in to my emotional craziness on a regular basis. And trying to adjust my focus from within.

But I still feel so empty sometimes. Or just not quite clean. Like you know when you use cheap soap on something really messed up...when it comes out it looks okay, but you run your finger over it and it's still kind of oily or something...it just isn't totally right. You know? I'm not sure what I'm missing.

And I don't know how much of this is something unresolved from my past (which my family was some piece of work...there's a lot to that)...or some sin I'm holding on to. I don't know how to do this thing. But I want to clean my "dish" inside...and have the outside look good just by default...not b/c that's my focus.