My Time as an Anglican

Currently, there are bookends to my church life experience. There is First Covenant Church of Salina – during high school. And then there is Graceway now. There was a smattering of churches earlier in life, prior to me finding my home at FCC. And there were several in between the journey to our church home today. But these are my bookends. And I love them both.

Immediately following high school, I went to Covenant Bible College. For one school year, I lived in Strathmore, AB with 86 other students and explored my faith, new friendships, and a different country – although not much different from Kansas.

Course requirements included visiting a selected variety of churches. With a group of 8 or so students, we went to a Covenant church – of course, Full Gospel, Assembly of God, Catholic, Methodist, Lutheran, Presbyterian, non-denominational, Anglican, and Weslyan among some others that I do not recall tonight. About 12 in all. Then we picked which church we would attend on a regular basis.

I became Anglican for a few short months. Why Anglican?

My 18 year old, rebel self chose this because it was different from anything I knew. And I didn't want to just go along with the crowd. Mind you this “crowd” is one that I wanted to escape while at the same time so desperately wanted to belong, but I just didn't seem to fit quite right - even when I tried. Ugh...teenagers! :-P

The clergy and church members of this tiny church were very kind and welcoming…and some of them were kind of weird too.

I truly enjoyed the high church part of it all with different robes for the church seasons, hymns, readings, banners, and communion administered at the front. I liked the kneeling benches and the predictable routine of it all. And the messages – while none were life changing and stayed with me to this day or anything – were okay too. 

I had my first – and last – taste of Haggis there. There were a few older people who really treated me with love and acceptance. I was invited into the homes of some very colorful people – some resulting in the funniest stories I have to this day! Ask me about the dogs sometime...seriously...it's hilarious!

And I was a part of something bigger than me.

I can still remember walking into the church and feeling like I wasn't the center of anything there. I was part of something bigger than me. And it was refreshing. You see to this point, my life had a lot of rough events/experiences in it that had been largely ignored or down-played. And I was 18. I didn't realize at the time, but I was starting to come apart at the seams. This time in my life was the beginning of the end, so to say.

In that tiny Anglican Church, I heard many sermons. But what I learned as clear as day, was that I was part of something bigger than me. This is a lesson that was further illustrated for me in the few months I spent in Haiti. Once again – I was part of something so much bigger than me! I was standing shoulder to shoulder, arm in arm, with my sisters and brothers in Christ singing to our Savior – the same Savior! Oh, I love it!!

God has been so gracious enough to give me a place on His timeline, but this is His timeline. I am a spot on it – and I want to live this life as purposefully as I can so that He gets the glory in it all. But I am not THE big deal in all of this. 

I’m not saying I’m nothing or anything as self-loathing as that. I know that God loves me personally and Jesus died for me personally. But I know that I am part of His purpose. I love that. I love how this has been revealed over and over again in my life. 

It’s not all about me. Church is not all about me. Programs are not all about me and my comfort. They were never meant to be about me. The fact that people kind of suck sometimes in church - it's not about me either - good thing too, because sometimes I'm the one doing the sucking. 

And when all that stuff becomes more about me than about the Most High and His agenda – well, that’s when everything starts to fall apart because it’s hard to contain all of Him inside of my life, my understanding, and my preferences.

Thank you Jesus for the time you gave me as an Anglican.

Felt Rosette Wreath

About every other year or so, I get the urge to make homeade Christmas gifts for my friends and loved ones. This year I was inspired by different magazines and pictures and of course Pinterest. I got the idea for this wreath from Women's Day magazine. It looked so pretty and not too difficult. I had grand and glorious plans to make five this Christmas season. I finished two. :-)

They turned out pretty good...they are a complete time suck! I was following the directions for the roses, and the first one I made I was so impressed with myself...the roses are really pretty. I made a template for three different sized circles and then traced that onto felt. ***FYI: Around KC Joann's has the best variety of bolts of felt***

Then I cut the circles out and cut each circle in a spiral, leaving about an inch at the center of the circle. Starting with the end, I rolled it up and then hot glued it to the base, tale thing. They're very pretty looking if I do say so myself!

Although a time suck - as mentioned before - I really like them. Best of all, my friends seemed to really appreciate them too! Yay for gifts from the heart and stuff to do while watching TV!

Now that I know this technique, the sky's the limit! You can do this for any holiday and I even saw an idea on Pinterest to do it with extra newspaper. Talk about a green gift! :-)

Advent Calendar

We didn't grow up with Advent calendars, but the church I went to in high school always lit advent candles on Sundays. I always liked the idea of marking time in anticipation of celebrating the birth of Christ. So I've tried for years to find a good calendar I liked and use it. Doing both is a challenge. So when Parent's magazine had an idea for a homeade, scratcher type calendar I jumped on it! I didn't do trinkets or prizes or anything because it doesn't seem to - to me - to have anything to do with celebrating the birth of a rebel who would change the world. So I did verses and phrases from the Christmas story. The whole story is told by Christmas day. Pretty cool, I think. It wasn't too difficult to make either. I love the scratch off idea...my kids love it too! And Clayton is pretty amazed with it...he was coming up with all kind of different ways I can use it. Maybe some special valentine's cards or something! ;-D Anyhow, here's the pictures. I'm also trying to figure out Pintrest. Maybe I can post these on there too and see what happens. We'll see.

Pursuit of God

This week I began reading A.W. Tozer’s Pursuit of God. Written in the 1940’s and esteemed as a Christian classic, I was sure I wouldn’t really like it all that much. I am pleased to report that thus far I am completely wrong!

My Kindle tells me I am only 21% of the way through the book, but already I can tell why this is held in such high regard. And it’s so very relevant to life in 2011. The language used by Tozer is quite provocative and evokes such emotion that it makes me not want to just read the text, but to READ it. To say/hear it out loud with as much emphasis as I put on it in my head. It’s really cool. In case you can’t tell…I would definitely recommend it.

Here’s a snippet of the book that I read this morning. You can certainly see how this applies to my life right now as I prepare to leave for China in three days! I have used the verbiage of wanting to “cling” to my family so they won’t leave me…not so crazy sounding. But I think they may have a bit more of a hold on me than they should…a spot that needs to belongs to my Creator.

“There can be no doubt that this possessive clinging to things is one of the most harmful habits in the life. Because it is so natural it is rarely recognized for the evil that it is; but its outworkings are tragic.

We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety; this is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him, and nothing is really safe which is not so committed.”

It’s what I’ve been saying over and over to myself and in my Bible reading…and here’s even more confirmation. This word definitely spoke right to my heart today. Thanks God!

On The Edge

For the last couple weeks, it seems that every time I close my eyes I am bombarded with terrible, tragic ideas and feelings. One of the most common is that my entire family is taken out by some drunk driver. The overwhelming feelings of great loss and the ripping apart of oneself seem to overtake me. The despair and loneliness seems so great that it will crush me. Seriously…it freaks me out.

I’m generally not so morbid or overwrought with these types of emotions. Really. But I have this amazing opportunity coming up. In a week and a half I get to go to China as a volunteer English teacher. No joke. Just me...well, and like 20 other people – some of which I’m sure will go from acquaintance to friend over those two weeks.

Did I mention the time? Two weeks. 14 days. For half a month I will be away from the people I cling to the most. These are the people who define so much of who I am. Without them I wouldn’t be “Clayton’s wife” or “Braeden & Callie’s mom.”

And for two weeks they will be completely out of my control.

So I have to trust. I have to or I'll go crazy. I have to trust that the people who will be watching my kids will take care of them and love them and reassure them that their mom hasn’t abandoned them. That they will eat properly and get enough to drink and enough rest and take their vitamins. That if they do get sick, someone will be able to take care of them and will do a good job at it. I have to trust other people to drive them around…in traffic sometimes.

Ultimately, I have to trust this great God that I love so much. And if I’m at all honest about my feelings on this part, I’m struggling. Not like I’m-going-to-cancel-my-trip struggling…but the kind that just doesn’t know if I believe that I can really trust him with these people. Does that make sense? I know I can…but I have to prove it out I guess…and I will in 9 days.

It feels like I’m on the edge of a cliff about to jump and just let it ride…see what happens. And I know this trip has the potential to be life changing…and it probably will. But all the “what ifs” are driving me crazy.

I know when I get on the plane to fly over the top of the world, I’ll be okay. Teaching the classes of some 13-15 year old students, I will be right at home. Experiencing a different culture will be exhilarating. I will love all aspects...even the hard ones. I've done this kind of thing before...just never with a family at home. I’m looking forward to it all. I can’t wait to make new friends either. Plus it's teaching conversational English...anyone who knows me also knows that I can talk a lot of English. So I'm even qualified! :)

So I’m going to do it…I am doing it. I trust my God – the same God who loves each one of my family members more than I do – to take care of them…to be in control. He’s always better at the control thing than I am anyway. Why would that change when I go further away?

I’m about to burst with excitement and anticipation though!

Oh, and to everyone who is helping with the kids and the stuff here…THANK YOU!!! I really, really do trust you completely! And Clayton – you are the best! Thank you for this opportunity! I love you!!

I'm Dating Again

I went on a date last week. We needed to catch up on life and reconnect. Not with Clayton though. And actually I had two dates with two of my girl friends. It was a wonderful time with both of them! I've been so very busy these past several months that I have sadly, neglected some of my relationships that I really don't want to neglect.

This got me thinking about some conversations I’ve had recently. I think friendships are a lot like dating.

In the best scenario, you meet someone you’d like to be friends with and you work up the courage (or she does) to ask her out. A playdate seems to work well for a first “date.” So we do that. And it goes really well. Time goes on and we move to the next level and have the whole family over for dinner. Still playing out the dream sequence, the husbands get along well, the kids play very nicely, and we get to have a moment to get to know each other more. And then from there it just blossoms and has the potential to turn into a really great friendship.

Or it just doesn't...

There are so many ways it can go wrong. First of all maybe the potential friend isn’t interested in being friends. It happens. Maybe the timing is just wrong or the chemistry just isn’t there. To be honest, I’ve been on both sides of that equation. Rejection always sucks…but it’s part of finding any relationship worth keeping.

Or perhaps you go for the first “date” and it even seems to go well…but things get in the way. Maybe the kids don’t get along or the husbands don’t. Or maybe this budding relationship so ripe with potential never really makes it past the first butterfly-type feelings. For some unknown reason it stagnates as a very shallow relationship. Which is fine…some people – particularly the “people” people like me – have lots of these friendships. And they can be a lot of fun…hang out, see a movie, make small talk, do an occasional play date and what not. But they never seem to make it to a level where there’s that real connection…the sharing of your heart kind of thing.

This is hard for me…and everyone I imagine. Putting yourself out there just to hope that the relationship gets deeper is hard. The risk for hurt is great. So it’s easy to stop trying to get past the shallow water.

I think as women, we want need to be connected. We’re made for a level of intimacy that was meant to be fulfilled through some of our relationships with other women. We’re made to “one another” each other. So we keep looking…and when we find those relationships that can make it to the deep end of the pool, then we need to hold onto them. Nurture them. Invest in them.

Anyway, I’m dating…I hope you’re dating too. If not, get back in the game!

What's That Mean?

Sanguine. I have heard this word more times than you can imagine in the last couple months. By several different people in different settings. It must have been on some word of the day calendar or toilet paper or something. I mean I even heard Beth Moore say it in a video I was watching.
On several occasions, it seemed to me that the word was used in a sort of derogatory manner that was also insinuating that I am in fact “sanguine.” So I realized that I didn’t know what this really means, and I should find out before I decide if it is true or not.

Sanguine: “cheerfully optimistic,

hopeful, or confident” -dictionary.com

Reeeallly??? I’m glad I looked that up. Does anyone really think I am that? Not bad! I like to think that I can be that way most of the time. I could see how that might be a little annoying at times, but so can being morose (the antonym). So it turns out what I thought was meant as an insult (and maybe it was) was actually a compliment. Not bad!

But by the grace of God I am what I am,

and his grace toward me was not in vain.”

1 Corinthians 15:10

I am what I am…and if it is sanguine, then so be it!

Anyway, this kind of misunderstanding is what happens whenever we assume we understand what people are really trying to say. I could have nursed some feeling that I was being called stupid or shallow or something…and then just go with that belief as I filter all other interactions with this person. But that wouldn’t be beneficial to anyone.

I’m glad I just faced this head on and figured it out. That’s the best way to handle any sort of misunderstanding. Just get it figured out and move on…it’s so much better than holding onto junk.

Just a thought…I hope you have a sanguine attitude this fine day!