Felt Rosette Wreath

About every other year or so, I get the urge to make homeade Christmas gifts for my friends and loved ones. This year I was inspired by different magazines and pictures and of course Pinterest. I got the idea for this wreath from Women's Day magazine. It looked so pretty and not too difficult. I had grand and glorious plans to make five this Christmas season. I finished two. :-)

They turned out pretty good...they are a complete time suck! I was following the directions for the roses, and the first one I made I was so impressed with myself...the roses are really pretty. I made a template for three different sized circles and then traced that onto felt. ***FYI: Around KC Joann's has the best variety of bolts of felt***

Then I cut the circles out and cut each circle in a spiral, leaving about an inch at the center of the circle. Starting with the end, I rolled it up and then hot glued it to the base, tale thing. They're very pretty looking if I do say so myself!

Although a time suck - as mentioned before - I really like them. Best of all, my friends seemed to really appreciate them too! Yay for gifts from the heart and stuff to do while watching TV!

Now that I know this technique, the sky's the limit! You can do this for any holiday and I even saw an idea on Pinterest to do it with extra newspaper. Talk about a green gift! :-)

Advent Calendar

We didn't grow up with Advent calendars, but the church I went to in high school always lit advent candles on Sundays. I always liked the idea of marking time in anticipation of celebrating the birth of Christ. So I've tried for years to find a good calendar I liked and use it. Doing both is a challenge. So when Parent's magazine had an idea for a homeade, scratcher type calendar I jumped on it! I didn't do trinkets or prizes or anything because it doesn't seem to - to me - to have anything to do with celebrating the birth of a rebel who would change the world. So I did verses and phrases from the Christmas story. The whole story is told by Christmas day. Pretty cool, I think. It wasn't too difficult to make either. I love the scratch off idea...my kids love it too! And Clayton is pretty amazed with it...he was coming up with all kind of different ways I can use it. Maybe some special valentine's cards or something! ;-D Anyhow, here's the pictures. I'm also trying to figure out Pintrest. Maybe I can post these on there too and see what happens. We'll see.

Pursuit of God

This week I began reading A.W. Tozer’s Pursuit of God. Written in the 1940’s and esteemed as a Christian classic, I was sure I wouldn’t really like it all that much. I am pleased to report that thus far I am completely wrong!

My Kindle tells me I am only 21% of the way through the book, but already I can tell why this is held in such high regard. And it’s so very relevant to life in 2011. The language used by Tozer is quite provocative and evokes such emotion that it makes me not want to just read the text, but to READ it. To say/hear it out loud with as much emphasis as I put on it in my head. It’s really cool. In case you can’t tell…I would definitely recommend it.

Here’s a snippet of the book that I read this morning. You can certainly see how this applies to my life right now as I prepare to leave for China in three days! I have used the verbiage of wanting to “cling” to my family so they won’t leave me…not so crazy sounding. But I think they may have a bit more of a hold on me than they should…a spot that needs to belongs to my Creator.

“There can be no doubt that this possessive clinging to things is one of the most harmful habits in the life. Because it is so natural it is rarely recognized for the evil that it is; but its outworkings are tragic.

We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety; this is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him, and nothing is really safe which is not so committed.”

It’s what I’ve been saying over and over to myself and in my Bible reading…and here’s even more confirmation. This word definitely spoke right to my heart today. Thanks God!

On The Edge

For the last couple weeks, it seems that every time I close my eyes I am bombarded with terrible, tragic ideas and feelings. One of the most common is that my entire family is taken out by some drunk driver. The overwhelming feelings of great loss and the ripping apart of oneself seem to overtake me. The despair and loneliness seems so great that it will crush me. Seriously…it freaks me out.

I’m generally not so morbid or overwrought with these types of emotions. Really. But I have this amazing opportunity coming up. In a week and a half I get to go to China as a volunteer English teacher. No joke. Just me...well, and like 20 other people – some of which I’m sure will go from acquaintance to friend over those two weeks.

Did I mention the time? Two weeks. 14 days. For half a month I will be away from the people I cling to the most. These are the people who define so much of who I am. Without them I wouldn’t be “Clayton’s wife” or “Braeden & Callie’s mom.”

And for two weeks they will be completely out of my control.

So I have to trust. I have to or I'll go crazy. I have to trust that the people who will be watching my kids will take care of them and love them and reassure them that their mom hasn’t abandoned them. That they will eat properly and get enough to drink and enough rest and take their vitamins. That if they do get sick, someone will be able to take care of them and will do a good job at it. I have to trust other people to drive them around…in traffic sometimes.

Ultimately, I have to trust this great God that I love so much. And if I’m at all honest about my feelings on this part, I’m struggling. Not like I’m-going-to-cancel-my-trip struggling…but the kind that just doesn’t know if I believe that I can really trust him with these people. Does that make sense? I know I can…but I have to prove it out I guess…and I will in 9 days.

It feels like I’m on the edge of a cliff about to jump and just let it ride…see what happens. And I know this trip has the potential to be life changing…and it probably will. But all the “what ifs” are driving me crazy.

I know when I get on the plane to fly over the top of the world, I’ll be okay. Teaching the classes of some 13-15 year old students, I will be right at home. Experiencing a different culture will be exhilarating. I will love all aspects...even the hard ones. I've done this kind of thing before...just never with a family at home. I’m looking forward to it all. I can’t wait to make new friends either. Plus it's teaching conversational English...anyone who knows me also knows that I can talk a lot of English. So I'm even qualified! :)

So I’m going to do it…I am doing it. I trust my God – the same God who loves each one of my family members more than I do – to take care of them…to be in control. He’s always better at the control thing than I am anyway. Why would that change when I go further away?

I’m about to burst with excitement and anticipation though!

Oh, and to everyone who is helping with the kids and the stuff here…THANK YOU!!! I really, really do trust you completely! And Clayton – you are the best! Thank you for this opportunity! I love you!!

I'm Dating Again

I went on a date last week. We needed to catch up on life and reconnect. Not with Clayton though. And actually I had two dates with two of my girl friends. It was a wonderful time with both of them! I've been so very busy these past several months that I have sadly, neglected some of my relationships that I really don't want to neglect.

This got me thinking about some conversations I’ve had recently. I think friendships are a lot like dating.

In the best scenario, you meet someone you’d like to be friends with and you work up the courage (or she does) to ask her out. A playdate seems to work well for a first “date.” So we do that. And it goes really well. Time goes on and we move to the next level and have the whole family over for dinner. Still playing out the dream sequence, the husbands get along well, the kids play very nicely, and we get to have a moment to get to know each other more. And then from there it just blossoms and has the potential to turn into a really great friendship.

Or it just doesn't...

There are so many ways it can go wrong. First of all maybe the potential friend isn’t interested in being friends. It happens. Maybe the timing is just wrong or the chemistry just isn’t there. To be honest, I’ve been on both sides of that equation. Rejection always sucks…but it’s part of finding any relationship worth keeping.

Or perhaps you go for the first “date” and it even seems to go well…but things get in the way. Maybe the kids don’t get along or the husbands don’t. Or maybe this budding relationship so ripe with potential never really makes it past the first butterfly-type feelings. For some unknown reason it stagnates as a very shallow relationship. Which is fine…some people – particularly the “people” people like me – have lots of these friendships. And they can be a lot of fun…hang out, see a movie, make small talk, do an occasional play date and what not. But they never seem to make it to a level where there’s that real connection…the sharing of your heart kind of thing.

This is hard for me…and everyone I imagine. Putting yourself out there just to hope that the relationship gets deeper is hard. The risk for hurt is great. So it’s easy to stop trying to get past the shallow water.

I think as women, we want need to be connected. We’re made for a level of intimacy that was meant to be fulfilled through some of our relationships with other women. We’re made to “one another” each other. So we keep looking…and when we find those relationships that can make it to the deep end of the pool, then we need to hold onto them. Nurture them. Invest in them.

Anyway, I’m dating…I hope you’re dating too. If not, get back in the game!

What's That Mean?

Sanguine. I have heard this word more times than you can imagine in the last couple months. By several different people in different settings. It must have been on some word of the day calendar or toilet paper or something. I mean I even heard Beth Moore say it in a video I was watching.
On several occasions, it seemed to me that the word was used in a sort of derogatory manner that was also insinuating that I am in fact “sanguine.” So I realized that I didn’t know what this really means, and I should find out before I decide if it is true or not.

Sanguine: “cheerfully optimistic,

hopeful, or confident” -dictionary.com

Reeeallly??? I’m glad I looked that up. Does anyone really think I am that? Not bad! I like to think that I can be that way most of the time. I could see how that might be a little annoying at times, but so can being morose (the antonym). So it turns out what I thought was meant as an insult (and maybe it was) was actually a compliment. Not bad!

But by the grace of God I am what I am,

and his grace toward me was not in vain.”

1 Corinthians 15:10

I am what I am…and if it is sanguine, then so be it!

Anyway, this kind of misunderstanding is what happens whenever we assume we understand what people are really trying to say. I could have nursed some feeling that I was being called stupid or shallow or something…and then just go with that belief as I filter all other interactions with this person. But that wouldn’t be beneficial to anyone.

I’m glad I just faced this head on and figured it out. That’s the best way to handle any sort of misunderstanding. Just get it figured out and move on…it’s so much better than holding onto junk.

Just a thought…I hope you have a sanguine attitude this fine day!

Measured Success

I haven't been feeling very well this week...and I've been missing my brother a lot...which makes me a little extra melancholy. So I decided to do something more positive. I was looking through the goals I had for this blog when I first started this happy mom thing...and so far I think I'm kind of okay...here are the results.

1. "I would like to go (or have plans to go) on a family missions trip...for me this could count as a vacation too."  Well, it's not a family trip - but I am going to China this summer to teach ESL. Just me (and 25 other people). That will be awesome! Can't wait! I have literally wanted to go there ever since I was 6 years old. 
2. "By this time next year, I would like to have lost a significant amount of weight." Ummm...not yet. But I have lost about 30lbs...so that's a start - at least in the right direction. And I have big plans. We'll see how it goes.
3. This is the big one..."by this time next year, I'd like to find out what it means to be happy and what it is that I really enjoy or am passionate about." I do believe I'm doing well here. I have a much better grasp on this!!! Growing more...but this is so exciting! I'm so happy to be rediscovering old passions and finding new ones along the way!

So all in all I think I'm doing pretty good. Now I need to come up with some new goals. I'll work on that.

What do you do when you're feeling a little down? Do you have a strategy to help stay more positive?

One Big, Happy Family!

I have always wanted to be part of a big, happy family. Lots of huge family celebrations for just about everything. Renting a cabin in the woods for all the kids and grandkids, with everyone coming together to play games, cook meals, and maybe even a talent show. And an overwhelming sense of belonging and unconditional love. Aaahhhh!

But that’s not the hand I’ve been dealt. Truth is – numerically speaking – I don’t have much of a family at all. My mom is the only living relative I have that I know – besides my hubby and kids. That’s it. My brother died 9 years ago this month, my dad – who wasn’t really a great guy, but that’s another story - died a couple years ago, and I don’t really know my extended family.

Sometimes this reality gets a little sad for me. Like right now with Easter coming up. I think it would be absolutely wonderful to be part of a big family brunch or something like that…cousins hiding eggs and all the adults talking and laughing together. Knowing that I really belong here...that I fit right there no matter what. Holidays just kind of reinforce this absence. And if I let it, this overwhelming sense of loneliness can lead to a pretty good pity party.

It is only by the grace of God that I don’t end up hanging out in pity-partyville very often. I have been blessed with an amazing church body. And I’m not just referring to the people I literally go to church with…I’m also talking about the rest of the body that I am privileged to interact with on a daily basis – friends from MOPS, preschool families, old friends from around the world. I love the picture illustrated in 1 Cor 12 about the body of Christ. I’m not sure what part of the body I am, but I’m so happy to be part of something bigger than myself!

While I appreciate my church family so very much, reality is that I do still find myself painfully aware of the healthy, nurturing family I missed out/am missing out on. So what do I do with that?

Ecclesiastes says that God has put eternity in our hearts. There’s a part of each of us that knows that there’s more than this. I think this pain that I feel from the loneliness or whatever you call it is just that...it’s a piece of that eternity that Christ etched in my heart…the part that is still knows there has to be more than this. The yearning for more.

There's hope! So much hope! Revelation 19 is the beautiful picture of the glorious wedding feast! There will be a party with the greatest love story and a forever family and celebration forever glorifying God. Complete with the truth of really belonging and true unconditional love that I will feel there! Chokes me up…kind of makes my stomach lurch into my throat in anticipation.

And I won’t be on the outside looking in anymore! How truly thrilling!

Do you notice people on the outside looking in?

I Am Free to Be Me...For Real???

I think I'm finally "getting" some stuff about being married - things that didn't make a lick of sense to me before! When Clayton and I first moved to KC and started going to our church we had been married for less than a year. I had a lot of expectations for us and our church experience.

Right off I'll let you know I did not grow up in a church-going family. We were sporadic at best...usually didn't even make it on the big holidays. I started going when I was in high school. I did not have an example of what it would look like to have two growing Christians married to each other and doing ministry...which left me wide open to develop my own ridiculously high expectations.

In my picture perfect world, we were to be passionate and involved in the exact same ministries in the exact same ways. All of our church interests should be exactly the same. Makes sense right? I mean we aren't we identical in all ways???? HA!

Clayton would say that it was okay for me to like doing different things than he does. This was hard for me. He is super passionate about sports ministry. I'm just not. I get it...but I'm not way excited by it. I love to be with people. I want to meet people and visit with them and know their stories and get to know them. I love it! He likes people too...who play sports. :-P

So I have spent seven years trying to like the same things he does - just as much as he does - because that's what I'm supposed to do. I have wanted to do the coaching stuff with him or something...which is waaaay hard to do when I have two little ones to chase after. But this has amounted to me being frustrated, useless, and unfulfilled.

I have tried making him do things I really like - like trying to do student ministry with high school age kids. I loved it. He did not...not so much. He does like little people - so we do children's ministry together. He likes that. I do not...I love the kids...but this ministry does not fill me up or anything...it drains me.

In my ridiculously high expectations of us, I have felt like a failure. A failure as a "good" Christian, church-going mom. I don't love doing the stuff my husband does. I don't even like doing nursery duty. I mean what kind of good mom doesn't just love holding babies and playing with 4 year olds for 3 hours??? Answer: ME!

This week I had an awakening. I realized that we can still be involved in ministry together and not always be together. This means he can be passionate about sports ministry and pursue it and I can support him, but I don't have to be all "into" it. This also means I am free to be passionate about women's ministry and I can love it and do it and he'll support me and go to my stuff, but he's not all "into" it. This would work...this is okay...not a bad thing!

I told Clayton about this realization. His response: "I've been saying that all along." LOL! Wow! Talk about thick-headed! I may be a bit of an idealist...but I'm really liking this understanding reality thing! And learning what I'm passionate about helps too. :-D

Here We Go...Again

When I began this blog in Jan 2010, I was at a really low point in my life. I was struggling to find purpose, meaning, and joy in all the areas of my life. An overwhelming sense of depression, hopelessness, and isolation had become my reality.

During that cold winter, I was alone a lot. I had a 4 mo. old baby girl, 4 yr. old boy, and a husband who was fabulous but was traveling for work every week. I don’t believe people were meant to be alone really – we’re designed for community…but I am an especially-not-her kind of case. (That’s not saying that you can’t make traveling work…totally can…but we weren’t doing it very well).

Our marriage was stalling out and not thriving at this point. We tried to figure out what our interests were and what we might be able to do together. To get to know each other again. Know what I found out? He was exactly the same man I had married six years earlier. I on the other hand, had no clue what I was interested in. My life had changed. I had changed. I didn’t know who I was anymore. But I did know I wasn’t happy.

So I decided to find the happy mom lurking inside of me. This benefits everyone, right? What sane person would rather be miserable than happy? Do any children wish their mom had laughed less? Are there husbands who prefer to come home to angry, bitter wives? Not in my family!

It’s been over a year since I wrote anything on here. And now I think I’m ready. I never shared any of this before…but I think I will this time. I have left a few of my early entries on here, just for reference and for me to see how far I’ve come…to see what God has really done in my life. As I’ve been reflecting on where I’ve been, I find it just staggering to see the difference! God has really answered so many of my cries during that time in my life. And He’s still doing it.

Today I am a much happier mom now than I was then. I’m a better mom and wife (sooooo not perfect though). I feel more whole as a woman and as a child of the King. And I have hope! That’s a big deal! So I’ll write some stuff…maybe someone will read it and find some help, comfort, community in it (or just enough train wreck to make it worth reading). Maybe no one will and I’ll have a great journal to look through at this time next year. Either way works for me!