On The Edge

For the last couple weeks, it seems that every time I close my eyes I am bombarded with terrible, tragic ideas and feelings. One of the most common is that my entire family is taken out by some drunk driver. The overwhelming feelings of great loss and the ripping apart of oneself seem to overtake me. The despair and loneliness seems so great that it will crush me. Seriously…it freaks me out.

I’m generally not so morbid or overwrought with these types of emotions. Really. But I have this amazing opportunity coming up. In a week and a half I get to go to China as a volunteer English teacher. No joke. Just me...well, and like 20 other people – some of which I’m sure will go from acquaintance to friend over those two weeks.

Did I mention the time? Two weeks. 14 days. For half a month I will be away from the people I cling to the most. These are the people who define so much of who I am. Without them I wouldn’t be “Clayton’s wife” or “Braeden & Callie’s mom.”

And for two weeks they will be completely out of my control.

So I have to trust. I have to or I'll go crazy. I have to trust that the people who will be watching my kids will take care of them and love them and reassure them that their mom hasn’t abandoned them. That they will eat properly and get enough to drink and enough rest and take their vitamins. That if they do get sick, someone will be able to take care of them and will do a good job at it. I have to trust other people to drive them around…in traffic sometimes.

Ultimately, I have to trust this great God that I love so much. And if I’m at all honest about my feelings on this part, I’m struggling. Not like I’m-going-to-cancel-my-trip struggling…but the kind that just doesn’t know if I believe that I can really trust him with these people. Does that make sense? I know I can…but I have to prove it out I guess…and I will in 9 days.

It feels like I’m on the edge of a cliff about to jump and just let it ride…see what happens. And I know this trip has the potential to be life changing…and it probably will. But all the “what ifs” are driving me crazy.

I know when I get on the plane to fly over the top of the world, I’ll be okay. Teaching the classes of some 13-15 year old students, I will be right at home. Experiencing a different culture will be exhilarating. I will love all aspects...even the hard ones. I've done this kind of thing before...just never with a family at home. I’m looking forward to it all. I can’t wait to make new friends either. Plus it's teaching conversational English...anyone who knows me also knows that I can talk a lot of English. So I'm even qualified! :)

So I’m going to do it…I am doing it. I trust my God – the same God who loves each one of my family members more than I do – to take care of them…to be in control. He’s always better at the control thing than I am anyway. Why would that change when I go further away?

I’m about to burst with excitement and anticipation though!

Oh, and to everyone who is helping with the kids and the stuff here…THANK YOU!!! I really, really do trust you completely! And Clayton – you are the best! Thank you for this opportunity! I love you!!